Bear with me here. I have this thing with a certain perfume ingredient and what it really smells like.

I have a jasmine plant in my garden. It’s there because it looks pretty and friends come round for a barbecue and inhale deeply and exclaim how wonderful it is. I think it smells like, well, like wee. Sometimes, if I analyse it hard enough, also somewhat like poo.

There’s only one thing for it: research. When you start to type ‘jasmine smells…' into Google, predictive search brings up ‘…like urine’ or ‘…like poop’. So it seems I am not alone. Further research tells me that it’s down to molecular compounds called ‘indoles’ that are found in jasmine and also in faeces. OK, so in perfumery indoles don’t quite smell that bad, but those who can pick them out of a floral-fragrance line-up certainly find them unpleasant. (Don’t get me started on where ‘civet’ is also found.) A quick office poll tells me I’m in the minority - most people love the powdery floral note, and most of these people are quite upset about this faecal revelation.

Something extremely potent like Angel by Thierry Mugler for instance, makes me want, no, need, to remove myself from the train carriage it’s permeating, but one bottle is sold every two minutes in the UK (sensitive commuters everywhere, beware). Angel may be a revered heady masterpiece, but that doesn't change the fact that it offends my nostrils. If you believe that your perfume is an expression of yourself then you’ll want to make a good impression. If you don’t care, then more power to you, you can stop reading now. But if you wear perfume for its intended purpose – to boost your feelings of confidence and attraction – here is how to avoid offence:

Pick your floral notes carefully

Floral is in itself the most inoffensive option (not too sexy, weird, overwhelming or sickly), but just understand what you’re dealing with here. There is a ‘safe’ floral scale, from ‘dirty’ indolic jasmine to ‘clean’. Stick to the cleaner end and you’ll be good. Tuberose, orange blossom, gardenia or rose won’t make you afraid of offending anybody’s nostrils.

Go mainstream

Since jasmine is the foundation for many a bestselling perfume, it’s good to know that some are non-indolic, which removes the ‘dirty’ issue. As a rule look for more mainstream concoctions that will use less indoles. Jo Malone White Jasmine & Mint Cologne, £85, and Aerin Ikat Jasmine Eau de Parfum Spray, £85, are safe jasmine-centric options.

Ask a friend

If you repeatedly wear the same scent, your sense of smell will tire of it, so if you’re drowning yourself in something and you still can’t smell it, chances are everyone else can. Particularly if it is Angel by Thierry Mugler.

Save the more polarising scents for your home

If you really love something but you’re worried about wearing it, get the candle version. Or do what Jo Malone does and mop the floors with the cologne. (And then bathe in caviar and rinse your hair with unicorn milk...? Only joking - Malone said to dilute the cologne, so it's not as extravagant as all that.)

My inoffensive fragrance wardrobe

Jo Loves Red Truffle 21, £95
Never before has truffle been used in perfume. It totally works.

Miller Harris Editions Rose Silence, £65
It’s a unisex rose, which means it’s not what you’d expect.

Miu Miu Eau de Parfum £66
Has jasmine in it! But it’s soft and powdery and delicious.

Byredo Rose of No Mans Land, £88
A complex kind of rose that is sharp and interesting.

Givenchy Live Irresistible, £75.50
My most nostalgic first fragrance updated to a spicier, brighter version.

Chloe Love Story, £55
Sweet and light and happy and bright.

Bum Notes